Times Are Changing

I hugged my best friend and said goodbye.
I hugged that infamous side hug I always do and said the next time I see you, you will be a mom.
I patted her belly and told the boys that we would all see them very soon.
And then I pulled out of the driveway knowing things were going to be different.

When you're young, the future seems so far off and that 30 year old that hangs out with you at youth group seems like an almost unattainable age. When you meet your best friend at the age of 14, you don't think about how your lives will change and how your world can grow beyond your front door. When you are eating cereal at 2 am, giggling about your latest crush at school, and quoting your favorite movie together, it's hard to see that one day it will all be different.

No one told me growing up would change things.
No one told me growing up looks different for everyone...even for best friends.
No one told me growing up would be an adventure.
No one told me growing up was a gift.

I have a countdown to my 30th birthday, and some days I'm excited to turn 30 and reach a new point in my life. That countdown is like a countdown to the rest of my life and the adventures I've yet to take. Other days that countdown stares at me like a death sentence. I'm going to be 30 and single. I'm going to be 30 with no set career. I'm going to be 30 with a fat cat and an empty fish bowl.

As I drove the long road home from Nashville, I caught myself reminiscing about old times with my best friend. Late night sleepovers full of prank calls and junk food. Teenage arguments at summer camp over dumb things. Wedding days. Early morning texts over coffee and Jesus.

And then I realized...things have already been changing.

We have evolved from those goofy, sometimes selfish, teenagers to women of God. One of us a loving wife and soon to be mom and the other a single woman full of adventure and heart.

Things have already been changing and it will soon be changing again.

I use to be afraid of change until I realized that God uses change to shape us and to grow us to be more like Him. Each change I've experienced through the years has shaped me. Some of those changes I fought to the bitter end and some of those changes I had countdowns to look forward to them.

The years of change have taught my best friend and I how to love each other better...how she can love her husband better...how I can love myself better...how we both can love God better. And now as we both have countdowns to very different life events, I am looking forward to seeing what these can teach us.

As she welcomes two baby boys, may we all learn to love more unconditionally.
To have patience when our to do lists aren't finished.
To show grace when our emotions get the best of us.
To seek God as we learn to adapt to change.

As I turn 30, may we all learn to embrace new adventures.
To enjoy those times we have alone.
To seek new opportunities to serve God.
To trust that God has a plan for the things you pray for.

Times are changing...
And my countdowns are for the adventures that lead to the rest of my life. 

An Open Letter To A 20 Something Young Adult

Dear 20 Something Young Adult,

We are involved in the same activities, we work the same type of job, we share the same view on faith, and we both understand that times are busy.

I'm knocking on 30...

I know you have a lot going on. I know your 9-5 job can be stressful at times.
I know that relationship or new marriage you have can seem to take a lot of your focus.
I know you have your friends outside of work you need to make time for and activities you have on your calendar.
I know that you are just starting out in your adult life...in the real world...piling on the responsibilities and actually using those planners they sell at Walmart.

Our generation has been blessed when it comes to being part of a church.

There is always that mom who thinks we can't cook (probably for good reasons) and invites us over for family meals.
There is always that family who knows we don't live near our own family and invites us to any outing or family game night they are having.
There is always that older person who checks up on you every Sunday morning to make sure you are being prayed for and taken care of spiritually.
And we all know that family or person who takes care of your fish when you go on vacation...they lovingly swing by your house to make sure things are okay and that fish you are oddly attached to is still swimming.

But there's a problem...

When that mom who always feeds you needs a last minute babysitter for a couple of hours, are you too busy?
When that older person ends up in the hospital for a night or two, are you praying by their side like they did yours?
When that family who always feeds your fish goes on vacation, are you too selfish to swing by their house once a day to check on things for them?

I know it is a learning process to balance work, life, and other responsibilities...but it is also a learning process to start being a contributor to your church and your community.

Those people that serve you do it without expecting anything in return. They feed you, pray for you, and feed your fish without thinking twice about it...They have 3 kids, two jobs, things they volunteer for on the side, and school meetings to attend but they will always be there for you if they can.

Why do we always think twice about serving them in return?
Why can't we skip that movie night with friends and babysit for them instead?
Why do we never offer to bring something to a meal they invite us to?

A growing church needs you to nurture your servants heart.

It is time for you to be a part of the church instead of the part that sits in the pew on Sunday mornings.
It is time for you to love on those who have spent their lives loving on you and others like you.
It is time for you to learn how to be a working part of the church and the mission of serving and loving.

The only thing you will lose by conditioning a servant's heart is a selfish desire. 

War

It is no secret...or maybe it is because I'm good at hiding my struggles...that I've been fighting a battle in my head and heart these past couple of weeks. A battle, that sometimes I'm on the edge of giving in to Satan's lies...a fight that I am honestly tired of fighting.

I tend to mask my struggles with humor or fling myself into volunteering for things so that my mind is busy and my heart is beating for something else other than racing under stress and anxiety.

Here it is the beginning of November and I am a month and 15 days away from the end of my seasonal job here at Samaritan's Purse. I have been applying like crazy to full time/long term positions here and so far the term "rejected" was placed at the beginning of 2 applications in my profile. I won't lie and say that word cut to my core. Even though it isn't SP's choice what wording the application uses...no one wants to see the word "rejected" next to their name.

My quiet moments at my desk are now interrupted with small, short, barely deep enough breaths...I didn't realize it was happening until I heard the echo of my struggles to get a good breath. Lord why am I being put through this spiritual warfare? Why aren't you stopping these demons from telling me I'm not good enough...that my life experience and talents can't be used in this organization? Why would you lead me to this place, have me build relationships, adapt to my work just to have me walk away empty handed?

I am almost 30 and here I am starting my "career" at the bottom. It's a struggle to be an entry-level person when at times I feel I was made to be more. An entry-level seasonal person at that...

Is it all because I felt I was mastering that "tier 2 adult status" a bit too much? I promise I only felt like I had it together because I was early by one day on my bills each month.

The struggle is real.

I told God I would give up dating until He sent me the man who made known his intentions.
I told God I would pour my free time into these junior high girls.
I told God that I would rely on Him to make a way for His plans.

I didn't know making those promises to God meant that I would get rejected.

Okay maybe I did but I didn't want to believe it.

A coworker of mine pulled me aside the day I had an interview and said something to me that I replay over and over in my head. He said... "Can I say something and you not get upset? If this job doesn't work out and they say no, will you realize that it's because God has something else planned?"

Of course I said...but in the back of my mind I was thinking if this is what I wanted then why wouldn't God want me to be happy?

And there it is folks...what it looks like to not really have an understanding or want to have an understanding of God's plans.

It is a daily struggle...a moment to moment struggle right now in this present time to keep the enemy at bay. Even though it may not be visible or I may not express it my heart and mind are having a battle forced upon them by Satan and its tough. There's a cycle that I was for certain I wasn't going to experience again...a thought process of what is my purpose...what am I contributing...what in the hell am I doing with my life?

Satan is like a ravenous lion who is searching for the weakest part of me...consuming my thoughts.

But God is much stronger...much more consuming...and much more fierce than the enemy. 

Seek God and Find Me Waiting

It was one of those nasty, rainy days where you envision yourself drinking hot tea at home with a good book. I was on my way home when some stupid country love song came on and knocked me to my knees. I pulled over on the back mountain road and gave in to the ugly cry of the century. I was utterly confused as to why, out of nowhere, I was breaking down about this...about this feeling of loneliness and being single. Not even just being single but not being married...I was overcome with the desire to be married and the hurt that came along with just simply owning a fat cat named Carl.

I sat on the side of the road, with my head on the steering wheel, searching for an answer as to why I was being consumed with loneliness in those moments. In the span of two months, I will have been to five different weddings...five different weddings in which I have been so blessed to be a part of and I am looking forward to attending and celebrating with friends. My good thoughts and prayers towards their marriages still cannot keep at bay, the feelings a single person feels when they are having couples paraded around them at a wedding.

Coupled with the fact that a side trip to Nebraska to see a dear friend was undeniably confusing and left me with more than enough to think about on the 20 some hour drive back to East Tennessee.

I've felt myself being more and more distracted with thoughts of marriage and being single.
I can't place if it has been the fact that I am 5 short months away from ringing in the big 30...if it has been the fact that the community around me is being joyfully filled with loving marriages...or if it has been my lack of trust in God and my desire to seek out love without God's blessing.

I'm going to go with number 3 on this one.

I have let my time become consumed with worrying about dating and my spare thoughts have been taken captive with uncertainty of a lonely future.

I pulled back on to the road after my mountainside breakdown and put in motion the ways I can remedy the constant fear that I keep hearing in the back of my mind.

The next few days were spent drowning myself in romance movies from Redbox and chocolate...things that obviously help the heavy heart of a single gal.

Okay I lied...these things are the WORST. Now all I have to show for it is a few zits thanks to those Twix and an unrealistic expectation of how a man should woo me based on Victorian England standards. Perfect.

That's when it happened. I'm not exactly sure how it happened...like if God just kinda sighed and thought okay...enough is enough...you clearly haven't trusted me with this so far so I'm trying something different.

It was when I was at our Junior High small group at church when I realized that I probably wasn't being the best example of a Christian woman when it came to dating. I began to think, how am I suppose to guide and pray for these 12 and 13 year old girls when it comes to dating woes when I'm having breakdowns on the side of a North Carolina mountain?

I can't

I won't be able to.

My desire for these young little ladies is that they find their worth in their Father...that they don't spend time mulling over why a guy does not find them worthy enough...or why all their friends are dating and they aren't...

My desire for them is that they prioritize their relationship with Christ over their relationship with a guy.

My desire...my heart's deepest desire for these girls is that they don't make the same selfish mistakes I did. That they don't feel the pain I have suffered by my refusal to allow God to govern my love life.

During this thought process I realized what God was asking me to do.

I need to give up dating...I need to give up going on dates...I need to give up this pointless banter back and forth with set ups from friends...

If I was truly going to see the desires and best intent for these girls played out I needed to make a sacrifice and place my trust in God. I needed to get rid of the thing that haunts me the most and consumes my inner most thoughts.

In those moments where I feel my mind turning towards thoughts of loneliness and dating...that's when I will turn to praying for these little young ladies.

In those moments where I am wanting to say yes to a blind date set up by a college friend who's friend they think is perfect for me who is NOT perfect for me in any way...that's when my mind will need to busy myself with things that will encourage these girls to grow in Christ.

Our Children's Minister told the girls last night that she told her husband not to use the words I Love You unless he was going to back it up with a ring. Why didn't I think of that? Oh yeah...because I wasn't listening to God.

I told God, like I'm the one that needs to be calling the shots here, that if I were to give up dating and give up my searching and longing...that the man he intends for me needs to come obvious intent. I told Him that if I were going to finally give in and let His plans come to light, that I needed Him to make this man fierce in his pursuit...he needed to be clear in every single way...he needed to basically come with a sign that said God has sent me to be your husband.

Like I said...I'm not in any position to be telling God what to do...but I prayed that this would be how this is carried out. I have no idea how long it will be...I have no idea what it will look like... but I know that God will honor what I have asked for and He will give me the spirit to hold steadfast in what I have promised.

I pray that God lets me love and be loved when I am ready and not when I am lonely.

She's Worth More

Let me start this off by saying this post is bias... I'm a woman... If you want to see what the dating world looks like from a guy's view then you've come to the wrong place.

The way men in the dating world treat, approach, and talk to women is simply appalling....
There... I said it... gentlemen (and I use that loosely) get your act together!

Now don't get me wrong...there are good men out there. Good Christian men who understand how a woman should and needs to be treated and talked to but it is no shocker that those men are in short supply these days...perhaps even a minority...endangered of being lost in the crowd of vulgar and disrespectful men.

If I still have your attention and didn't lose you with my description of most single men then good. I don't want you to think I am one of those women who uses the phrase "all men are the same" because once again, I do believe there are good Christian men out there. I'm simply using my experiences and recent interactions to speak to how frustrating it is to be a single woman...how much it makes my heart sink deep into my chest as if it were hiding from any further aching...how aggravating it is to have a man not realize what you are worth.

I recently ran across a guy friend from a few years ago that had been diagnosed with cancer. We struck up a conversation on Facebook and I asked how he was feeling...just checking in on his health...how was the diagnosis after the past few months.
His response... "I'm well enough for a one night stand if you're interested".
Excuse me? which is when he played it off as a joke and told me I should learn to not be so uptight.

Stop being so uptight. 

That phrase is like nails on a chalkboard to me. Why am I uptight because I think you are disrespecting me? Why am I labeled uptight because I called you out on your bad "joke"? When did the word uptight become something that people are labeled when they feel the need to stand up?

Maybe you agree with him...maybe you think I should have laughed and said no thanks, good joke..

ha...ha...ha...

But I didn't laugh and I'm not uptight. I'm just over the culture our generation is embracing. I'm over the sweeping under the rug of sex jokes, forward flirting, and uncalled for conversations that women are being asked to be okay with these days.

For those of you that have known me for a while you know the old me and I will be honest...
Before I decided to follow God wholeheartedly...in my days of being a luke-warm Christian... I was on board with the one night stands, pre-marital sex, and I wasn't so "uptight".

I realized I was worth more.

You need to realize she is worth more.

Again... I am calling out Christian men because this is from my perspective as a Christian woman.

I'm not sure what many of you are thinking as you are reading this.
Some of you may think I need to lighten up.
Some of you may think that's just how it is these days...our culture isn't as conservative as it use to be.
Well isn't that a shame!

I have felt that heart sinking feeling way too many times the last few years...that feeling where you enjoyed that date you just went on and you think "finally a guy who actually wants to get to know me" but then you realize you were wrong. It's a hurtful feeling, a frustrating feeling, and a feeling that makes you wonder...

At times I've wanted to just scream...
Why do you feel like you need to comment on my body?
I bet you didn't know that I have the best sense of humor...I'm basically hilarious.
I bet you didn't realize that I've traveled to 28 countries and my experiences of the world outweigh your thoughts of me in the bedroom.
I bet you didn't stop to think how good I am at fixing things, building things, or creating new things from my ideas.

You didn't realize any of that because you were too busy thinking about the physical things you wanted from me.

Whether you women want to admit it or not...whether you have stopped to think about it or not...whether you have felt that way or not...you are worth more.

For those of you who are thinking I'm at the end of my rope with dating or I've given up...

Stop.

Please don't write to me and tell me "you'll find him" or "you have so much to offer...just need to wait for the right one"

I know all these things and I'm not in search of those kinds of conversations or words (as harsh as that may sound). I know I will find him but this isn't just about "him".

It's about all of them...

All of the men who think speaking disrespectfully to a woman isn't a big deal or making sexual remarks towards her/about her is all fun and games...

From a woman who use to be the one night stand girl to the Christian woman who is seeking respect and love and for goodness sake...some dignity... think before you speak.

Speak to her with words of encouragement and she will raise you up.

Treat her with dignity and she will see you as the man you are.

Realize her worth as a woman of Christ and she will be your biggest fan.

She's worth more. 

It Really Works

The end of a job I loved came so unexpectedly on Monday.

I thought I would be with Girl Scouts for years to come...It was my career and was a part of who I was as a person. If I wasn't at work, I was talking about work, I was wearing work on my shirt, and I was drinking out of my coffee mug that screams "Girls Matter".

But things didn't go the way I expected them to go. My time with Girl Scouts came to an end...

And it will be O.K.

Don't get me wrong...I absolutely hate not working there anymore. I hate sitting at home prepping my resume for the dozens of jobs that I'm sending it to. I hate not knowing what to say to people when they ask "What do you do for a living?". I hate feeling like I don't have a direction or purpose right now.

And it will be O.K.

I had my 20 minutes of breakdown when my car pulled through the gates one last time. It was hard to catch my breath for a while. My perfectly done makeup ran down my cheeks as I listened to the things I had stored in my desk rattling in a box in my backseat. The leftover McDonald's napkin in my car was stained with blackened tears...but only for a little while.

I couldn't explain to you why I am handling it so well. I couldn't understand how I am not curled up in a ball of devastation. I wondered why I wasn't held up in my apartment refusing to talk to people or go out and be social...and then it hit me.

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”

Joshua 1:9

I have spent the last 2 years rebuilding my connection and relationship with God and my faith is being put to the test this week. For the first time in my life I have a true understanding of what it means to not worry and let God be in control...is it wrong to feel like I am totally rocking this handing it over to God thing? I finally feel as if I have that feeling that people describe when they talk about God having everything under control and it is in His hands. 

If this is what it feels like, why did I not submit to this before now? 

Trust me, I have my moments in the day where my mind stares off into space and I wonder what's next...but there is no explanation as to my attitude towards this other than God is in control. God's faithfulness to my faith in Him is in full swing! It has nothing to do with my actions or anything I have done other than me finally submitting to His will, plan, love, and grace. 

I just lost my job but all I seem to want to do is shout to people how amazing God can be if they only turn to Him!! The best way I can describe it is this... 

You read about a way to help you do a certain daily task that seems so ingenious that it couldn't possibly work but you try it anyway... After you finally give in to what all these people keep talking about is such a fantastic, life-changing thing you realize HEY IT WORKS!! It really works!!

That is how I feel this past week. No I am no comparing God's love and mercy and faith to a life-hack because it is SO much more than that. IT WORKS! It really works!! 

That uncertainty you face day to day, trouble to trouble, worry to worry... when you truly have faith in Christ it seems so much more manageable. It seems so trivial. 

I am so glad that my life and plan rests in God's hands and that His mercy is endless and His grace is more than I deserve. 

Living In The Borderland

This past week I spent the whole week at Appalachian Christian Camp being a counselor to 80 high school kids.

Our theme this year was Borderland.

At first I wasn't sure what to make of this theme or where we were going to go with this concept and I have to say I was pleasantly surprised.

The definition of borderland is an uncertain, intermediate district, space, or condition. In terms of what we were talking about camp this sums up the direction we took the concept.

Many times as someone who is outside of Christ and even Christians we find ourselves in an uncertain condition in which we are set apart from God. The word uncertainty is a frightening term and can sometimes be used to describe how we feel about our situation and our relationship with God.

We started out the week allowing and asking everyone (counselors included) to be completely transparent about their lives and their relationship with God. We often find ourselves in a borderland that presents ideas, situations, and choices that are not of Christ. The borderland consists of the ideas and beliefs that the world presents as being acceptable. It is a dangerous place where deceptions about our relationship with God are brought to the surface and we feel separated from Him.

Spiritual deception is dangerous--and damning. Any one of us can fool ourselves. We are sinful creatures, biased in our own favor, prone to assume that we are something when we are not. The Bible says that the god of this world (Satan) is blinding the minds of unbelievers to keep them from knowing Christ. Couldn't it be that one of the ways the devil is doing this is by deceiving people into believing they are Christians when they are not?

-Follow Me by David Platt

The borderland has taken a toll on us but that's where reconciliation comes in to play. Reconciliation is when God chooses to redeem something that was worthless and with reconciliation comes repentance. According to David Platt repentance is when people " turn from walking in one direction to running in the opposite direction. From that point forward, they think differently, believe differently, feel differently, love differently, and live differently." 

Throughout this week I saw the look of struggle and uncertainty on the faces of the high schoolers we were ministering to. The uncertainty of what it would look like to give up the things they are involved in on a daily basis, their circle of friends, their way of life was frightening and for some of them unfathomable. Many of these kids were facing struggles I never imaged kids in high school would be up against. They have been offered drugs, they are having sex, they are blaming themselves for their parent's divorce, they are giving up on school, and they are taking on problems that are out of their control. As each day would draw to a close I would find my heart breaking more and more.

My continuous prayer all week was that if they don't take away anything from that week, I prayed that they would leave knowing that God is pursing them fiercely. There is nothing we can do to change our standing but it is because God is pursuing us constantly and his grace is fierce. That moment when you are tired of running, lying, hiding, and hurting and you give in to grace it changes you. God's grace is so fierce you cannot help but be changed and when grace takes hold of someone you can see it in their eyes.

A friend of mine at camp explained how grace changes us so well. He said that God is continuing to change us and he never wastes a scar. What use to be the end of us is not that anymore...he turns a period into a comma. Just when we think we are so far out in the borderland there is no coming back, God's grace rescues us from sin. There is nothing you can do that will keep God from using you to spread the Gospel. Every choice that turned into a mistake can be used to show how amazing the grace of God can be for those still living in the borderland.

You can either choose to conform to the borderland and its beliefs or you can transform.

As the week drew to an end I could see it on the faces of some of the high schoolers... they were fighting a battle they cannot win without God. Some chose to return to the borderland and try to give up their struggles on their own. Others chose to give in to God and allow him to transform them and change them into a new person. Some are still facing that uncertainty of what leaving the borderland would look like.

I'm praying that this borderland some of these kids are walking through will not be where they choose to remain. My heart breaks for the choices they are making and the choices that are being made for them. I see that some of them are choosing to stay in the borderland knowing the consequences and I don't know how to reach them. I chose to live in that same borderland and the outcomes are not always as they seem and it is hard to see these kids choose that road.

Pray.

Pray for peace during uncertainty. Pray for reconciliation. Pray for their hearts.

So from now on we regard no one from a worldly point of view. Though we once regarded Christ in this way, we do so no longer. Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here! All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting people’s sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation. We are therefore Christ’s ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us. We implore you on Christ’s behalf: Be reconciled to God.  God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.

2 Corinthians 5:16-21