War

It is no secret...or maybe it is because I'm good at hiding my struggles...that I've been fighting a battle in my head and heart these past couple of weeks. A battle, that sometimes I'm on the edge of giving in to Satan's lies...a fight that I am honestly tired of fighting.

I tend to mask my struggles with humor or fling myself into volunteering for things so that my mind is busy and my heart is beating for something else other than racing under stress and anxiety.

Here it is the beginning of November and I am a month and 15 days away from the end of my seasonal job here at Samaritan's Purse. I have been applying like crazy to full time/long term positions here and so far the term "rejected" was placed at the beginning of 2 applications in my profile. I won't lie and say that word cut to my core. Even though it isn't SP's choice what wording the application uses...no one wants to see the word "rejected" next to their name.

My quiet moments at my desk are now interrupted with small, short, barely deep enough breaths...I didn't realize it was happening until I heard the echo of my struggles to get a good breath. Lord why am I being put through this spiritual warfare? Why aren't you stopping these demons from telling me I'm not good enough...that my life experience and talents can't be used in this organization? Why would you lead me to this place, have me build relationships, adapt to my work just to have me walk away empty handed?

I am almost 30 and here I am starting my "career" at the bottom. It's a struggle to be an entry-level person when at times I feel I was made to be more. An entry-level seasonal person at that...

Is it all because I felt I was mastering that "tier 2 adult status" a bit too much? I promise I only felt like I had it together because I was early by one day on my bills each month.

The struggle is real.

I told God I would give up dating until He sent me the man who made known his intentions.
I told God I would pour my free time into these junior high girls.
I told God that I would rely on Him to make a way for His plans.

I didn't know making those promises to God meant that I would get rejected.

Okay maybe I did but I didn't want to believe it.

A coworker of mine pulled me aside the day I had an interview and said something to me that I replay over and over in my head. He said... "Can I say something and you not get upset? If this job doesn't work out and they say no, will you realize that it's because God has something else planned?"

Of course I said...but in the back of my mind I was thinking if this is what I wanted then why wouldn't God want me to be happy?

And there it is folks...what it looks like to not really have an understanding or want to have an understanding of God's plans.

It is a daily struggle...a moment to moment struggle right now in this present time to keep the enemy at bay. Even though it may not be visible or I may not express it my heart and mind are having a battle forced upon them by Satan and its tough. There's a cycle that I was for certain I wasn't going to experience again...a thought process of what is my purpose...what am I contributing...what in the hell am I doing with my life?

Satan is like a ravenous lion who is searching for the weakest part of me...consuming my thoughts.

But God is much stronger...much more consuming...and much more fierce than the enemy.