It was one of those nasty, rainy days where you envision yourself drinking hot tea at home with a good book. I was on my way home when some stupid country love song came on and knocked me to my knees. I pulled over on the back mountain road and gave in to the ugly cry of the century. I was utterly confused as to why, out of nowhere, I was breaking down about this...about this feeling of loneliness and being single. Not even just being single but not being married...I was overcome with the desire to be married and the hurt that came along with just simply owning a fat cat named Carl.
I sat on the side of the road, with my head on the steering wheel, searching for an answer as to why I was being consumed with loneliness in those moments. In the span of two months, I will have been to five different weddings...five different weddings in which I have been so blessed to be a part of and I am looking forward to attending and celebrating with friends. My good thoughts and prayers towards their marriages still cannot keep at bay, the feelings a single person feels when they are having couples paraded around them at a wedding.
Coupled with the fact that a side trip to Nebraska to see a dear friend was undeniably confusing and left me with more than enough to think about on the 20 some hour drive back to East Tennessee.
I've felt myself being more and more distracted with thoughts of marriage and being single.
I can't place if it has been the fact that I am 5 short months away from ringing in the big 30...if it has been the fact that the community around me is being joyfully filled with loving marriages...or if it has been my lack of trust in God and my desire to seek out love without God's blessing.
I'm going to go with number 3 on this one.
I have let my time become consumed with worrying about dating and my spare thoughts have been taken captive with uncertainty of a lonely future.
I pulled back on to the road after my mountainside breakdown and put in motion the ways I can remedy the constant fear that I keep hearing in the back of my mind.
The next few days were spent drowning myself in romance movies from Redbox and chocolate...things that obviously help the heavy heart of a single gal.
Okay I lied...these things are the WORST. Now all I have to show for it is a few zits thanks to those Twix and an unrealistic expectation of how a man should woo me based on Victorian England standards. Perfect.
That's when it happened. I'm not exactly sure how it happened...like if God just kinda sighed and thought okay...enough is enough...you clearly haven't trusted me with this so far so I'm trying something different.
It was when I was at our Junior High small group at church when I realized that I probably wasn't being the best example of a Christian woman when it came to dating. I began to think, how am I suppose to guide and pray for these 12 and 13 year old girls when it comes to dating woes when I'm having breakdowns on the side of a North Carolina mountain?
I can't
I won't be able to.
My desire for these young little ladies is that they find their worth in their Father...that they don't spend time mulling over why a guy does not find them worthy enough...or why all their friends are dating and they aren't...
My desire for them is that they prioritize their relationship with Christ over their relationship with a guy.
My desire...my heart's deepest desire for these girls is that they don't make the same selfish mistakes I did. That they don't feel the pain I have suffered by my refusal to allow God to govern my love life.
During this thought process I realized what God was asking me to do.
I need to give up dating...I need to give up going on dates...I need to give up this pointless banter back and forth with set ups from friends...
If I was truly going to see the desires and best intent for these girls played out I needed to make a sacrifice and place my trust in God. I needed to get rid of the thing that haunts me the most and consumes my inner most thoughts.
In those moments where I feel my mind turning towards thoughts of loneliness and dating...that's when I will turn to praying for these little young ladies.
In those moments where I am wanting to say yes to a blind date set up by a college friend who's friend they think is perfect for me who is NOT perfect for me in any way...that's when my mind will need to busy myself with things that will encourage these girls to grow in Christ.
Our Children's Minister told the girls last night that she told her husband not to use the words I Love You unless he was going to back it up with a ring. Why didn't I think of that? Oh yeah...because I wasn't listening to God.
I told God, like I'm the one that needs to be calling the shots here, that if I were to give up dating and give up my searching and longing...that the man he intends for me needs to come obvious intent. I told Him that if I were going to finally give in and let His plans come to light, that I needed Him to make this man fierce in his pursuit...he needed to be clear in every single way...he needed to basically come with a sign that said God has sent me to be your husband.
Like I said...I'm not in any position to be telling God what to do...but I prayed that this would be how this is carried out. I have no idea how long it will be...I have no idea what it will look like... but I know that God will honor what I have asked for and He will give me the spirit to hold steadfast in what I have promised.
I pray that God lets me love and be loved when I am ready and not when I am lonely.
I sat on the side of the road, with my head on the steering wheel, searching for an answer as to why I was being consumed with loneliness in those moments. In the span of two months, I will have been to five different weddings...five different weddings in which I have been so blessed to be a part of and I am looking forward to attending and celebrating with friends. My good thoughts and prayers towards their marriages still cannot keep at bay, the feelings a single person feels when they are having couples paraded around them at a wedding.
Coupled with the fact that a side trip to Nebraska to see a dear friend was undeniably confusing and left me with more than enough to think about on the 20 some hour drive back to East Tennessee.
I've felt myself being more and more distracted with thoughts of marriage and being single.
I can't place if it has been the fact that I am 5 short months away from ringing in the big 30...if it has been the fact that the community around me is being joyfully filled with loving marriages...or if it has been my lack of trust in God and my desire to seek out love without God's blessing.
I'm going to go with number 3 on this one.
I have let my time become consumed with worrying about dating and my spare thoughts have been taken captive with uncertainty of a lonely future.
I pulled back on to the road after my mountainside breakdown and put in motion the ways I can remedy the constant fear that I keep hearing in the back of my mind.
The next few days were spent drowning myself in romance movies from Redbox and chocolate...things that obviously help the heavy heart of a single gal.
Okay I lied...these things are the WORST. Now all I have to show for it is a few zits thanks to those Twix and an unrealistic expectation of how a man should woo me based on Victorian England standards. Perfect.
That's when it happened. I'm not exactly sure how it happened...like if God just kinda sighed and thought okay...enough is enough...you clearly haven't trusted me with this so far so I'm trying something different.
It was when I was at our Junior High small group at church when I realized that I probably wasn't being the best example of a Christian woman when it came to dating. I began to think, how am I suppose to guide and pray for these 12 and 13 year old girls when it comes to dating woes when I'm having breakdowns on the side of a North Carolina mountain?
I can't
I won't be able to.
My desire for these young little ladies is that they find their worth in their Father...that they don't spend time mulling over why a guy does not find them worthy enough...or why all their friends are dating and they aren't...
My desire for them is that they prioritize their relationship with Christ over their relationship with a guy.
My desire...my heart's deepest desire for these girls is that they don't make the same selfish mistakes I did. That they don't feel the pain I have suffered by my refusal to allow God to govern my love life.
During this thought process I realized what God was asking me to do.
I need to give up dating...I need to give up going on dates...I need to give up this pointless banter back and forth with set ups from friends...
If I was truly going to see the desires and best intent for these girls played out I needed to make a sacrifice and place my trust in God. I needed to get rid of the thing that haunts me the most and consumes my inner most thoughts.
In those moments where I feel my mind turning towards thoughts of loneliness and dating...that's when I will turn to praying for these little young ladies.
In those moments where I am wanting to say yes to a blind date set up by a college friend who's friend they think is perfect for me who is NOT perfect for me in any way...that's when my mind will need to busy myself with things that will encourage these girls to grow in Christ.
Our Children's Minister told the girls last night that she told her husband not to use the words I Love You unless he was going to back it up with a ring. Why didn't I think of that? Oh yeah...because I wasn't listening to God.
I told God, like I'm the one that needs to be calling the shots here, that if I were to give up dating and give up my searching and longing...that the man he intends for me needs to come obvious intent. I told Him that if I were going to finally give in and let His plans come to light, that I needed Him to make this man fierce in his pursuit...he needed to be clear in every single way...he needed to basically come with a sign that said God has sent me to be your husband.
Like I said...I'm not in any position to be telling God what to do...but I prayed that this would be how this is carried out. I have no idea how long it will be...I have no idea what it will look like... but I know that God will honor what I have asked for and He will give me the spirit to hold steadfast in what I have promised.
I pray that God lets me love and be loved when I am ready and not when I am lonely.
I can so totally relate to this, including the "old maid when I get 30" feeling (comes from living in the South, I think). All I can say is, I believe in two things completely with regards to this situation, from personal experience:
ReplyDelete1. You have to be happy with yourself and who you are, and with your faith, before you can share your life with someone else (which you've already discovered), AND
2. You will not have the desire for someone to share your life unless it is God's plan for you. Like Sarah, whose desire for a child nearly overwhelmed her, you will either meet your mate at the proper time he has appointed, or your desire will be taken from you.
Waiting is hard. Waiting sucks. Hang in there, my friend.
Waiting. As a guy, much of this speaks to me. All of it got me thinking about the amount of waiting that happened throughout the Bible until God finally said the wait is over and come see what I have for you. Moses. Joseph. Jesus didn't get started really until he was 30 and I feel like at one point or another he probably had an itchy trigger finger. Or maybe not. Don't really know.
ReplyDeleteWhat I do know is that waiting will result in far better things I think than rushing.