The Day I Became a White Christian American

For the first time personally, I was told that it must be nice to be a white American and that I would never understand what a minority is going through.

I have to admit that stung to the depths of places I didn't know existed. 

I've always been white. I've always been American. I've always been a Christian. But when did I become THAT  kind of white, American, Christian?

I have never considered myself better than any minority, race, or religion. I've spent many Friday nights building friendships with minorities of Johnson City because I enjoy their company and I'm always learning something from them. Heck 99% of them are smarter and more cultured than I would ever hope to be. Many are on their second masters degree and I'm still clinging to the 3 years of college that I made my way through. 

To say I respect them is an understatement. 

To say I love them is putting it mildly. 

So why am I being lumped into the white, Christian, American stereotype of bigotry, hate, and judgement when I'm none of those things? Why am I being blamed for the hurtful things Trump supporters are shouting at these people? 

Yes I did vote for Trump. 

No I'm not heartless or hateful 

Yes I voted against Hillary.

No I don't hate gays or immigrants or feminists  

Yes I voted Republican.

No, I'm not ignorant and sheltered or uneducated or redneck and backwoods.

I have been asked, how can you vote for Trump and be a Christian? 

The question should be, how can you vote for either candidate and claim that the person you voted for holds true to your Christian values?

You can't. 

You can vote for either of them and how they "promise" to grow small businesses, support the working class, protect your 2nd amendment right, and to help fix the broken economy. 

Neither candidate showed a Christ like attitude at any point of their campaign. And if you are shouting "Praise the Lord" for Trump winning because he is a Christian, then I'm not sure you grasp the understanding of what it means to be a Christian. 

To the victors from Tuesday, drop to your knees and ask God how you can show kindness to those who are angered by the results. Ask God to help you show those people who feel betrayed that God will not abandon them. Do your best to show them yes, love does win, God's love wins and both sides need to trust Him. 

To the underdogs, meet us halfway and let us show you we aren't all the same. You have asked to help you escape stereotypes at times and now we are asking you for the same. Allow us to comfort you and encourage you. Let us be a barrier to those who shed light on your deepest fears. 

I am Christian. I am White. I was born an American. I voted for Trump.

I can't meet you halfway to your pain if you push me away based on a stereotype.
I can't show you how wrong you might be about me if you only want to be right.
I can't  try to love you better despite our disagreements if you already hate me.

I can see you hurting and I can see your disappointment. 

I can only empathize as much as you will allow me to. 

I can only try to begin to understand as much as you try to explain it. 

I can and I will pray for your fears to be dissolved.

I can and I will try to get to know you for you and not your stereotype.

I can and I will be the opposite of picture that is painted of me.

Can you and will you?

You Can't Fix Everything

I allowed myself two full days of laying on the couch and drifting in and out of long periods of naps with Netflix in the background.

I allowed myself bouts of uncontrollable cries and the constant irritation of replaying conversations in my head.

If you don't know this about me yet, here it is...
Whether it is my fault or not, it will drive me insane to know that someone is upset with me.

I need to fix it.
I'm a fixer. I want to fix situations, people, and all the things...fix it all!

But here in lies the problem with being a fixer.

When you live in a broken world among broken people, being a fixer can break you.
No matter how good your intentions are or how much you care about the person-

it...will...break...you!

Sometimes friendships are hard and they take a lot of work. Any relationship where you have constant interactions with someone else requires work. Sometimes that work involves arguments, brutal honesty, accountability, and all the other fun things that we think of when we think of friendship. Right? Yeah...right....

I'm sure it was never fun when my best friend held me accountable when I was making poor choices. And I know it was never fun hearing her brutal honesty when I came to her and wanted an opinion. But it also was never fun when I didn't listen to her accountability and brutal honesty and I had to pay the prices of not valuing her input as a friend. And those few times we spent not talking were the least fun of all.

As a Christian, we are sometimes called to be broken and being a Christian friend is no different. Our hearts break when we see a friend choose the wrong path. Our hearts break when we feel resentment from the accountability. We feel broken when the friendship is under the stress of not seeing eye to eye. And we feel broken when communication breaks down and we find ourselves at odds.

"Wounds from a friend can be trusted but an enemy multiplies kisses." Proverbs 27:6

Though words/conversations may cause uneasiness and may seem severe at first, when it comes from a spirit of love, faithfulness, and integrity, should be considered friendly.

Having our hearts break and feeling broken is sometimes necessary to love someone to a better place. But when is it too much? When do you have to say 'this is where I draw the line' or 'this is no longer what Jesus meant when he called us to be broken'?

I don't think enduring a friendship that is draining to your faith and heart is something God wants for us. He does want us to love the broken and love those who need Him but there is a line.

That line starts when you hand it over to God and realize you can't fix it or them. You can't fix a broken friendship or a broken person. That is a burden that only He can bear and it is a heart issue only He can fix.

Calming your heart from wanting to fix everything and anything, and softening their heart to that kind of friendship.

You can't fix a torn friendship all alone and the other person won't want that kind of friendship until he/she is willing to let God be the center of his/her life.

That is a heart break in and of itself...But...

Knowing and admitting you can't fix everything may just be a fix itself.

You can't fix everything but you can fix your eyes on God.

Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless- it will change. 

-C. S. Lewis

Times Are Changing

I hugged my best friend and said goodbye.
I hugged that infamous side hug I always do and said the next time I see you, you will be a mom.
I patted her belly and told the boys that we would all see them very soon.
And then I pulled out of the driveway knowing things were going to be different.

When you're young, the future seems so far off and that 30 year old that hangs out with you at youth group seems like an almost unattainable age. When you meet your best friend at the age of 14, you don't think about how your lives will change and how your world can grow beyond your front door. When you are eating cereal at 2 am, giggling about your latest crush at school, and quoting your favorite movie together, it's hard to see that one day it will all be different.

No one told me growing up would change things.
No one told me growing up looks different for everyone...even for best friends.
No one told me growing up would be an adventure.
No one told me growing up was a gift.

I have a countdown to my 30th birthday, and some days I'm excited to turn 30 and reach a new point in my life. That countdown is like a countdown to the rest of my life and the adventures I've yet to take. Other days that countdown stares at me like a death sentence. I'm going to be 30 and single. I'm going to be 30 with no set career. I'm going to be 30 with a fat cat and an empty fish bowl.

As I drove the long road home from Nashville, I caught myself reminiscing about old times with my best friend. Late night sleepovers full of prank calls and junk food. Teenage arguments at summer camp over dumb things. Wedding days. Early morning texts over coffee and Jesus.

And then I realized...things have already been changing.

We have evolved from those goofy, sometimes selfish, teenagers to women of God. One of us a loving wife and soon to be mom and the other a single woman full of adventure and heart.

Things have already been changing and it will soon be changing again.

I use to be afraid of change until I realized that God uses change to shape us and to grow us to be more like Him. Each change I've experienced through the years has shaped me. Some of those changes I fought to the bitter end and some of those changes I had countdowns to look forward to them.

The years of change have taught my best friend and I how to love each other better...how she can love her husband better...how I can love myself better...how we both can love God better. And now as we both have countdowns to very different life events, I am looking forward to seeing what these can teach us.

As she welcomes two baby boys, may we all learn to love more unconditionally.
To have patience when our to do lists aren't finished.
To show grace when our emotions get the best of us.
To seek God as we learn to adapt to change.

As I turn 30, may we all learn to embrace new adventures.
To enjoy those times we have alone.
To seek new opportunities to serve God.
To trust that God has a plan for the things you pray for.

Times are changing...
And my countdowns are for the adventures that lead to the rest of my life. 

An Open Letter To A 20 Something Young Adult

Dear 20 Something Young Adult,

We are involved in the same activities, we work the same type of job, we share the same view on faith, and we both understand that times are busy.

I'm knocking on 30...

I know you have a lot going on. I know your 9-5 job can be stressful at times.
I know that relationship or new marriage you have can seem to take a lot of your focus.
I know you have your friends outside of work you need to make time for and activities you have on your calendar.
I know that you are just starting out in your adult life...in the real world...piling on the responsibilities and actually using those planners they sell at Walmart.

Our generation has been blessed when it comes to being part of a church.

There is always that mom who thinks we can't cook (probably for good reasons) and invites us over for family meals.
There is always that family who knows we don't live near our own family and invites us to any outing or family game night they are having.
There is always that older person who checks up on you every Sunday morning to make sure you are being prayed for and taken care of spiritually.
And we all know that family or person who takes care of your fish when you go on vacation...they lovingly swing by your house to make sure things are okay and that fish you are oddly attached to is still swimming.

But there's a problem...

When that mom who always feeds you needs a last minute babysitter for a couple of hours, are you too busy?
When that older person ends up in the hospital for a night or two, are you praying by their side like they did yours?
When that family who always feeds your fish goes on vacation, are you too selfish to swing by their house once a day to check on things for them?

I know it is a learning process to balance work, life, and other responsibilities...but it is also a learning process to start being a contributor to your church and your community.

Those people that serve you do it without expecting anything in return. They feed you, pray for you, and feed your fish without thinking twice about it...They have 3 kids, two jobs, things they volunteer for on the side, and school meetings to attend but they will always be there for you if they can.

Why do we always think twice about serving them in return?
Why can't we skip that movie night with friends and babysit for them instead?
Why do we never offer to bring something to a meal they invite us to?

A growing church needs you to nurture your servants heart.

It is time for you to be a part of the church instead of the part that sits in the pew on Sunday mornings.
It is time for you to love on those who have spent their lives loving on you and others like you.
It is time for you to learn how to be a working part of the church and the mission of serving and loving.

The only thing you will lose by conditioning a servant's heart is a selfish desire. 

War

It is no secret...or maybe it is because I'm good at hiding my struggles...that I've been fighting a battle in my head and heart these past couple of weeks. A battle, that sometimes I'm on the edge of giving in to Satan's lies...a fight that I am honestly tired of fighting.

I tend to mask my struggles with humor or fling myself into volunteering for things so that my mind is busy and my heart is beating for something else other than racing under stress and anxiety.

Here it is the beginning of November and I am a month and 15 days away from the end of my seasonal job here at Samaritan's Purse. I have been applying like crazy to full time/long term positions here and so far the term "rejected" was placed at the beginning of 2 applications in my profile. I won't lie and say that word cut to my core. Even though it isn't SP's choice what wording the application uses...no one wants to see the word "rejected" next to their name.

My quiet moments at my desk are now interrupted with small, short, barely deep enough breaths...I didn't realize it was happening until I heard the echo of my struggles to get a good breath. Lord why am I being put through this spiritual warfare? Why aren't you stopping these demons from telling me I'm not good enough...that my life experience and talents can't be used in this organization? Why would you lead me to this place, have me build relationships, adapt to my work just to have me walk away empty handed?

I am almost 30 and here I am starting my "career" at the bottom. It's a struggle to be an entry-level person when at times I feel I was made to be more. An entry-level seasonal person at that...

Is it all because I felt I was mastering that "tier 2 adult status" a bit too much? I promise I only felt like I had it together because I was early by one day on my bills each month.

The struggle is real.

I told God I would give up dating until He sent me the man who made known his intentions.
I told God I would pour my free time into these junior high girls.
I told God that I would rely on Him to make a way for His plans.

I didn't know making those promises to God meant that I would get rejected.

Okay maybe I did but I didn't want to believe it.

A coworker of mine pulled me aside the day I had an interview and said something to me that I replay over and over in my head. He said... "Can I say something and you not get upset? If this job doesn't work out and they say no, will you realize that it's because God has something else planned?"

Of course I said...but in the back of my mind I was thinking if this is what I wanted then why wouldn't God want me to be happy?

And there it is folks...what it looks like to not really have an understanding or want to have an understanding of God's plans.

It is a daily struggle...a moment to moment struggle right now in this present time to keep the enemy at bay. Even though it may not be visible or I may not express it my heart and mind are having a battle forced upon them by Satan and its tough. There's a cycle that I was for certain I wasn't going to experience again...a thought process of what is my purpose...what am I contributing...what in the hell am I doing with my life?

Satan is like a ravenous lion who is searching for the weakest part of me...consuming my thoughts.

But God is much stronger...much more consuming...and much more fierce than the enemy. 

Seek God and Find Me Waiting

It was one of those nasty, rainy days where you envision yourself drinking hot tea at home with a good book. I was on my way home when some stupid country love song came on and knocked me to my knees. I pulled over on the back mountain road and gave in to the ugly cry of the century. I was utterly confused as to why, out of nowhere, I was breaking down about this...about this feeling of loneliness and being single. Not even just being single but not being married...I was overcome with the desire to be married and the hurt that came along with just simply owning a fat cat named Carl.

I sat on the side of the road, with my head on the steering wheel, searching for an answer as to why I was being consumed with loneliness in those moments. In the span of two months, I will have been to five different weddings...five different weddings in which I have been so blessed to be a part of and I am looking forward to attending and celebrating with friends. My good thoughts and prayers towards their marriages still cannot keep at bay, the feelings a single person feels when they are having couples paraded around them at a wedding.

Coupled with the fact that a side trip to Nebraska to see a dear friend was undeniably confusing and left me with more than enough to think about on the 20 some hour drive back to East Tennessee.

I've felt myself being more and more distracted with thoughts of marriage and being single.
I can't place if it has been the fact that I am 5 short months away from ringing in the big 30...if it has been the fact that the community around me is being joyfully filled with loving marriages...or if it has been my lack of trust in God and my desire to seek out love without God's blessing.

I'm going to go with number 3 on this one.

I have let my time become consumed with worrying about dating and my spare thoughts have been taken captive with uncertainty of a lonely future.

I pulled back on to the road after my mountainside breakdown and put in motion the ways I can remedy the constant fear that I keep hearing in the back of my mind.

The next few days were spent drowning myself in romance movies from Redbox and chocolate...things that obviously help the heavy heart of a single gal.

Okay I lied...these things are the WORST. Now all I have to show for it is a few zits thanks to those Twix and an unrealistic expectation of how a man should woo me based on Victorian England standards. Perfect.

That's when it happened. I'm not exactly sure how it happened...like if God just kinda sighed and thought okay...enough is enough...you clearly haven't trusted me with this so far so I'm trying something different.

It was when I was at our Junior High small group at church when I realized that I probably wasn't being the best example of a Christian woman when it came to dating. I began to think, how am I suppose to guide and pray for these 12 and 13 year old girls when it comes to dating woes when I'm having breakdowns on the side of a North Carolina mountain?

I can't

I won't be able to.

My desire for these young little ladies is that they find their worth in their Father...that they don't spend time mulling over why a guy does not find them worthy enough...or why all their friends are dating and they aren't...

My desire for them is that they prioritize their relationship with Christ over their relationship with a guy.

My desire...my heart's deepest desire for these girls is that they don't make the same selfish mistakes I did. That they don't feel the pain I have suffered by my refusal to allow God to govern my love life.

During this thought process I realized what God was asking me to do.

I need to give up dating...I need to give up going on dates...I need to give up this pointless banter back and forth with set ups from friends...

If I was truly going to see the desires and best intent for these girls played out I needed to make a sacrifice and place my trust in God. I needed to get rid of the thing that haunts me the most and consumes my inner most thoughts.

In those moments where I feel my mind turning towards thoughts of loneliness and dating...that's when I will turn to praying for these little young ladies.

In those moments where I am wanting to say yes to a blind date set up by a college friend who's friend they think is perfect for me who is NOT perfect for me in any way...that's when my mind will need to busy myself with things that will encourage these girls to grow in Christ.

Our Children's Minister told the girls last night that she told her husband not to use the words I Love You unless he was going to back it up with a ring. Why didn't I think of that? Oh yeah...because I wasn't listening to God.

I told God, like I'm the one that needs to be calling the shots here, that if I were to give up dating and give up my searching and longing...that the man he intends for me needs to come obvious intent. I told Him that if I were going to finally give in and let His plans come to light, that I needed Him to make this man fierce in his pursuit...he needed to be clear in every single way...he needed to basically come with a sign that said God has sent me to be your husband.

Like I said...I'm not in any position to be telling God what to do...but I prayed that this would be how this is carried out. I have no idea how long it will be...I have no idea what it will look like... but I know that God will honor what I have asked for and He will give me the spirit to hold steadfast in what I have promised.

I pray that God lets me love and be loved when I am ready and not when I am lonely.

She's Worth More

Let me start this off by saying this post is bias... I'm a woman... If you want to see what the dating world looks like from a guy's view then you've come to the wrong place.

The way men in the dating world treat, approach, and talk to women is simply appalling....
There... I said it... gentlemen (and I use that loosely) get your act together!

Now don't get me wrong...there are good men out there. Good Christian men who understand how a woman should and needs to be treated and talked to but it is no shocker that those men are in short supply these days...perhaps even a minority...endangered of being lost in the crowd of vulgar and disrespectful men.

If I still have your attention and didn't lose you with my description of most single men then good. I don't want you to think I am one of those women who uses the phrase "all men are the same" because once again, I do believe there are good Christian men out there. I'm simply using my experiences and recent interactions to speak to how frustrating it is to be a single woman...how much it makes my heart sink deep into my chest as if it were hiding from any further aching...how aggravating it is to have a man not realize what you are worth.

I recently ran across a guy friend from a few years ago that had been diagnosed with cancer. We struck up a conversation on Facebook and I asked how he was feeling...just checking in on his health...how was the diagnosis after the past few months.
His response... "I'm well enough for a one night stand if you're interested".
Excuse me? which is when he played it off as a joke and told me I should learn to not be so uptight.

Stop being so uptight. 

That phrase is like nails on a chalkboard to me. Why am I uptight because I think you are disrespecting me? Why am I labeled uptight because I called you out on your bad "joke"? When did the word uptight become something that people are labeled when they feel the need to stand up?

Maybe you agree with him...maybe you think I should have laughed and said no thanks, good joke..

ha...ha...ha...

But I didn't laugh and I'm not uptight. I'm just over the culture our generation is embracing. I'm over the sweeping under the rug of sex jokes, forward flirting, and uncalled for conversations that women are being asked to be okay with these days.

For those of you that have known me for a while you know the old me and I will be honest...
Before I decided to follow God wholeheartedly...in my days of being a luke-warm Christian... I was on board with the one night stands, pre-marital sex, and I wasn't so "uptight".

I realized I was worth more.

You need to realize she is worth more.

Again... I am calling out Christian men because this is from my perspective as a Christian woman.

I'm not sure what many of you are thinking as you are reading this.
Some of you may think I need to lighten up.
Some of you may think that's just how it is these days...our culture isn't as conservative as it use to be.
Well isn't that a shame!

I have felt that heart sinking feeling way too many times the last few years...that feeling where you enjoyed that date you just went on and you think "finally a guy who actually wants to get to know me" but then you realize you were wrong. It's a hurtful feeling, a frustrating feeling, and a feeling that makes you wonder...

At times I've wanted to just scream...
Why do you feel like you need to comment on my body?
I bet you didn't know that I have the best sense of humor...I'm basically hilarious.
I bet you didn't realize that I've traveled to 28 countries and my experiences of the world outweigh your thoughts of me in the bedroom.
I bet you didn't stop to think how good I am at fixing things, building things, or creating new things from my ideas.

You didn't realize any of that because you were too busy thinking about the physical things you wanted from me.

Whether you women want to admit it or not...whether you have stopped to think about it or not...whether you have felt that way or not...you are worth more.

For those of you who are thinking I'm at the end of my rope with dating or I've given up...

Stop.

Please don't write to me and tell me "you'll find him" or "you have so much to offer...just need to wait for the right one"

I know all these things and I'm not in search of those kinds of conversations or words (as harsh as that may sound). I know I will find him but this isn't just about "him".

It's about all of them...

All of the men who think speaking disrespectfully to a woman isn't a big deal or making sexual remarks towards her/about her is all fun and games...

From a woman who use to be the one night stand girl to the Christian woman who is seeking respect and love and for goodness sake...some dignity... think before you speak.

Speak to her with words of encouragement and she will raise you up.

Treat her with dignity and she will see you as the man you are.

Realize her worth as a woman of Christ and she will be your biggest fan.

She's worth more.