I Have Left My Heart In So Many Places

The moment I heard about the earthquake in Nepal my heart broke. I think because I left a piece of it back in Nepal with the people I spent so much time laughing with, eating with, and living with on a daily basis.

I had been torn between sticking to the alumni trip to Cuba or going to Nepal to be beside the people of Nepal as they pick up the broken pieces of their lives.

You see the thing is, I portray myself to be a hard-ass...not easily broken...an emotionally strong woman. In reality those that know me know that seeing the people of the world suffer can bring me to my knees in a moment. My heart aches every time I see a new update from my friend Reuben. See the brokenness of the people he is serving. Watching the emptiness in their eyes take over as he speaks to them about their homes being gone. It would be easy to not watch the videos or scroll through the pictures but God has given me a heart for his people and I can't do that.

I recently made the decision to transfer my funds from the alumni trip to Cuba to a trip to Nepal in December of this year with Adventures in Missions. This is an all adult trip that will go to Nepal to help in the rebuilding efforts. The more I thought about Reuben and the more I prayed about why my heart was feeling unsettled about Cuba, I knew that I should listen.

I'm going to make this one short and sweet... Please pray for Nepal.

Pray for the World Race team that is there currently serving.

Pray for the upcoming trips Adventures in Missions will be doing this fall including the one I am signed up for in December.

Pray for Reuben and his team as they are going out daily to take food,water,blankets,and aid to people in villages that have not been reached since the first earthquake. Below are some pictures that Reuben and his team have taken during their trips out to rural villages. Continue to lift them up in your prayers in the days and weeks to come as they continue their efforts!

Photo Credits :Reuben Rai 

Stage 5 Clinger

"A date is an experience you have with another person that makes you appreciate being alone"

- Larry David 

I was trying to be more open minded and not so rigid on my choice of men.

I wanted to try and be more open to dating a man who I may not be immediately attracted to at first but could grow to be fond of down the road.

I had people keep telling me I was too picky and that I needed to not jump to conclusions so quickly on people... so that's what I did.

I said yes to go on a date with a man that I wasn't necessarily attracted to at first but he seemed nice...seemed genuine...what could it hurt?

During our correspondence of getting to know each other before our big date he seemed to take a genuine interest in me. Texting frequently...calling every so often...asking lots of questions. At first it didn't bother me too much and I just thought well we are just getting to know each other it may just be an in the beginning type thing. So I went with it and agreed to go on a Harley ride with him and his buddies for charity.

I put on my knee high black boots, that velvet red lipstick, and prepared for our first date.

I was a tad nervous because I hadn't rode Harley's that much but it seemed fun!

When I met his friends for the first time and he introduced me as his girlfriend, the red flags started popping up everywhere...

Girlfriend? This is our first date mister... My face was as red as my hair and lips...

Every part of me was wanting to bail at that point but I kept telling myself no... I need to be open minded...maybe he misunderstood...maybe he just really likes me...maybe he...ahhh hell let's be honest...maybe this is why this guy is single!

There wasn't really any way I could get out of this date. The man picked me up on his Harley and we were 25 minutes away from my vehicle. So I stuck it out and hopped on the back of the bike for the next 3-4 hours. During that time we stopped a couple of times and he tried to be affectionate towards me...

If anyone knows me at all knows that my body language and face say everything... I wasn't having it! Please stop touching me, trying to hold my hand, and dear Lord please stop kissing my cheek every time you put my helmet on me... I am not a 3 year old! I was in sheer panic mode at this point. I was texting friends alerting them to the Stage 5 Clinger status I had going on at that time. Mayday Mayday... S.O.S.

I powered through the ride trying to enjoy the scenery and the fact that he couldn't really talk to me while we were going 60 MPH down the highway. Once the date was over and I was safely back in my car I felt free. Screw open mindedness on dating...this guy was crazy!

I finally got home and jumped in the shower...10 minutes later I had 7 missed calls and several text messages. "Do you like me?" "Why are you on Facebook but you can't text me back?"

SERIOUSLY?!? I finally fessed up and told him he was too clingy and his response? "How am I clingy?" You just called me 7 times in 10 minutes and checked up on me and you don't know how you are clingy? After several texts back and forth I finally ended up blocking his number.

If this is what dating is I will take being single with my cat Carl.

Hear me now... I do not claim to be an expert on dating (clearly as evidence from above) but why does being picky have to be a bad thing? So what I have a list... I have a list of must haves and don't even think about its. I have things that I want and things that make me run the other way. Yes, I am single and 29 but I'm also not 29 and wishing I wasn't married to someone I was so open-minded about years earlier.

Being opened minded about the way a man chews is totally different than being opened minded about someone who makes you feel suffocated. Someone who is already asking you to give up things you are involved in and put time towards isn't something I want to be open minded about.

That dating qualities list...its not super long...but it now has No Stage 5 Clingers added under Christian and Must Have a Sense of Humor.

All I Can Do Is Pray

When I asked God a few years ago to give me a heart for his people I never knew that that meant I would feel the ache of those hurting...that I would be burdened with a heart of compassion for those in turmoil...that I would feel the deep burning to be where they are when I know I cannot.

Every picture I see of Nepal hits me hard.
Every status I read about my friends hurting crushes my heart.
Every prayer I feel the need to pray brings me to my knees.

Why?

Natural disasters happen quite often and while I do feel sadness for those impacted this is different. When you have spent some of your most memorable moments next to someone, seeing them hurting has more of an impact than just seeing the news scroll across your TV. It's so easy to see the death toll plastered on news articles, say how sad, and then push it out of your mind. When it is happening to people that you have served with, lived with, eaten meals with, hugged goodbye...it changes everything. 

I logged on to Facebook and saw the updates coming from friends in the middle of the epicenter. 

Facebook Status Update from our contact on The World Race, Reuben Rai April 27th 9:45 PM Kathmandu, Nepal Time:

500 Christians are fear dead, 200 alone in Dhadhing near Quake center, 100 in Kathmandu, and 200 in rest areas. Total dead bodies collected exceeded 4000. More then 50,000 in intensive care unit. Thousands awaiting rescue and help. Hundreds still missing in Everest avalanche. No water in shop, no food and vegetables since market is not open. Because of fear of more quake, people still are in open field in cold and rain with their little new born babies, difficult for children and elderly. People are starting to have flue, fever and cold. We will start to help others from tomorrow. Its Monday 9:37 PM. Just hitted by Quake again at 9:37 pm

Photo courtesy of Omar Havana- Getty Images

Everything in me wants to pack a bag right now and get on a flight to be there on the ground. Having my hands physically aiding those in need...hugging those who I know and are hurting...

I feel so useless sitting here in my comfy home with all the water I need...with shelter...

All I can do is pray...

Why God did you give me a heart for them if I cannot do anything but pray?

As soon as I let those words come out I felt so stupid...

As if prayer does nothing...

God has let me have many opportunities to be the hands and feet on the ground during moments in people's lives that they felt so helpless but this was not a time I could do that. This was a time I needed to learn the power of prayer.

That's when I saw this status update from Reuben.

Facebook Status Update from our contact on The World Race, Reuben Rai April 26th 10:45 PM Kathmandu, Nepal Time:

Latest. I ask one womn y u all r here in church you r not even a xian n she said bcause there is safty hre. Your God protcts

They are in the midst of this disaster and he is seeking out moments where God reveals himself. He is choosing to see God is still his protector and those around him that are not even Christians are seeking out God. 

How could I think that God will not work through the prayers of us here in the U.S.? When we say to someone 'I will pray for you', what does that mean? Do we really pray? Do we think it is going to do anything other than comfort in that moment? 

When someone says that they will pray for you it should bring a wave of comfort...you should trust it...you should have faith. 

All that I can do is the best thing I can do right now and that is pray for Nepal, pray for Reuben, pray for his family, and pray for our other friends. Pray to the God who created this world and pray to the God who is most merciful. 

As you go through your day please pray fiercely and with purpose for those in Nepal, for He will hear our prayers. 

This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. And if we know that he hears us - whatever we ask- we know that we have what we asked of him.

1 John 5:14-15

Loving Yourself

The moment I ran the velvet lipstick over my bottom lip I felt more confident. The red color soaked up my plain lips and with a name like Cruella, who wouldn't feel invincible!

I go through phases of loving my body and phases of feeling confident in the way I am today. Phases where anything I put on that day feels like it fits like a glove and I walk out of the house with a sass in my step. Then there are the days where I go through 12 of the same exact t shirt/pair of pants and I feel like nothing looks good on me at all.

We all have those days... and sometimes it feels those "nothing fits right" days out number our sassy/unstoppable days.

I have been trying for a few months to drop some weight and I was feeling like nothing I did could make me see a change. I cut down my soda intake, my fast food intake, added some small exercise routines, worked on my sleeping habits...nothing was working! I found myself comparing my efforts to those around me who were pinning those workout suggestions on Pinterest or posting pictures of themselves at the finish line of a 5K or those awkward gym selfies that (let's be honest) no one really cares if you're workout went great or not.

I don't really pin workouts on Pinterest because well... I probably won't do them. I definitely don't sign up for any 5K's because the only places I'm usually running to are the bathroom or to the car if it is pouring the rain. I might be guilty of one or two gym selfies when I actually use to be a regular gym goer but now my selfies include hugging my cat Carl while he struggles for air and freedom.

I will admit that over the past few years I have obsessed a lot less about being a bit overweight. I'm not sure if its because the older I get I am focused on more important things, I just don't care, or I've become more open to accepting that I will never be a size 6 woman.

The older I get I do realize that older men look for more of a personality and someone to enjoy their time with rather than a size 6 to show off to their buddies. No... I'm not saying that I long to be thinner so that I can gain the attention of a man... that is only a tiny piece of this struggle. More often than not I find myself telling a man that if he doesn't like how I look then he can hit the road. It is mostly women that I find myself seeking the attention/approval of when it comes to looks. It seems to be that women are more critical of other women than men ever were or tend to be these days. If we know how it feels to be judged on our appearance then why do we do it to each other?

It is a difficult thing to work on comparing yourself to others and judging others as well. Some times we catch ourselves casting judgement on people even without meaning to do so. "I can't believe she thinks that shirt looks okay on her." or "Did she even look in the mirror before she left the house this morning?" I will be the first to admit I have done it and still do it just in every day conversation without thinking twice about how I feel when that happens to me.

It moments like that when I realize I quite possibly need to spend more time grounding myself in the Lord. Yes, I realize this sounds silly and trivial and a moment where you are thinking.. yeah yeah... the answer is always Jesus...get closer to God but really people...it is the answer!
The more I pour myself into the word and the more I spend focusing on Christ the less I see myself acting like someone I would be ashamed of or doing things I don't approve of when its on the flip side. No there isn't a specific verse that says " and Jesus said... do not make fun of the girl in the ugly shirt or do not make jokes because another girl did something weird with her hair."
But the Bible does call us to be Christ like... and being Christ like covers a multitude of attitudes, issues, and priorities. The more you become more Christ like you will learn to love yourself in return.

Over the past few months I have been working on walking the straight and narrow, as they say. Spending my time focusing on my relationship with the Lord and although I am no where near where I need to be... I am not where I once was.

I find myself leaving the house more confident whether it is in those paint stained workout pants and a Goodwill t-shirt or that cute dress and red lipstick... I'm walking out of the house confident in the Lord's plans for me and that whatever happens today or how I look...I can make it a rough day and complain about my muffin top that I don't necessarily work on improving or I can make it a good day and only let words of encouragement about myself and others come across those velvet red lips.

For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.

Ephesians 2:10

Who Am I?

We recently took a personality test at our organization for an upcoming training that we will be going through for the next several months.

The definition of a DiSC test which is taken directly from the DiSC profile website: DiSC is a personal assessment tool used to improve work productivity, teamwork and communication. DiSC is non-judgmental and helps people discuss their behavioral differences.

Non-judgmental... hmmm...what an interesting choice of words.

To no surprise I was was ranked a HIGH D which in one word represents dominance. As I began reading the assessment I thought, wow how spot on this test seems to be! It says I'm competitive, can support of oppose strongly (in other words opinionated), determined, independent, venturesome, and decisive. Those were the main things that stuck out to me as I was reading the profile. They seemed like great descriptions of what I would consider myself and how I would hope others would consider me but then I saw it...the portion of the assessment that explained how others may perceive me.

I see myself as assertive, confident, and competitive.

Others moderate perception of me is that I am demanding, egotistical, aggressive and nervy.

Hmmm...well that's interesting...but hey I can take it...

But then we had other's extreme perception of me which is that I am abrasive, controlling, opinionated, and arbitrary. Well then!

I'd be lying if I hadn't heard some of those adjectives describe me before. In fact I won most opinionated for my Senior Superlative in high school. Controlling...yeah I might be the back seat driver or the person who just does things myself because I know I'll do it right the first time. Abrasive? Okay... I might have told a few people what I really think about them in no uncertain terms or feeling the need to soften the blow.

When going down this list it can be really easy for me to see the negatives of my assessment. It can be really easy to focus on how others may see me in certain situations and quite frankly how I simply come across in the reality of a situation. It can be hard to remember those positive descriptions in the beginning.

During youth group last night our youth director Greg was talking to the kids about the apostle Peter and how the Lord decided to change his name. Peter was a impulsive thinker who jumped on opportunities without thinking and most of the time they weren't the best decisions one could have made. But God chose to make him the rock on which His church was built. He changed his name to Peter to represent how Jesus saw him and for his abilities and what the Lord had destined Peter to be in the future. He didn't rename him a name that represented his faults or bad personality traits but rather named him something that would destine him to proclaim the glory of God.

As Greg stated last night, if we were asked what our names would be changed to based on our characteristics, most people jump to some negative qualities that overshadow some of our strengths. But God wouldn't rename us something that he hasn't created us to be. He sees us for the potential that we have and for those characteristics that he has given us to use to further the Kingdom.

I am determined...determined to follow Christ and show others His great love.
I am venturesome...I will accept opportunities to travel to the ends of the earth to share the Gospel.
I am decisive...I have decided to follow Jesus and live a life worthy of His calling.
I am independent...I am comfortable with fulfilling my purpose for God with or without a husband.
I am confident...I am confident that my faithfulness to the Lord will bring everlasting life.

Before going down your list of personality traits remember to ask God to show you how He sees you and how you can use those characteristics to bring glory to Him.

Is This A Test?

It has to be a test.

Here I am striding along...I'm busy all the time...I'm loving my job...I love my social life and especially working with the youth at church...I'm on track with God (or so I think)...I'm dancing in my room while I get ready every day...I'm laughing and enjoying life and BAM!

He's back.

That ex you never thought you'd see again..or talk to again..or thought of ever.

He comes waltzing in and turns your world upside down with one little message.

You know how it goes. You've found freedom in your singleness and you're strengthening your relationship with God more every day. You're not at home sulking on the couch but you're out doing something and making the moments count. And if you're like me you've gotten to a point where you are alright being single and actually loving the freedom you have to choose to do anything you want to do and you always have the time you want to give back and spend with those who matter. 

For the past few months the Lord has really brought me back to him and his plan that he has for me. I was taking advantage of all the grace he had given me and the second chances to be the person I was meant to be. I was being encouraged by those around me and I was encouraging others in return. 

Yeah of course I thought about me being single and how it would be nice to find someone but it was no longer a core focus of mine. It wasn't weighing me down and I wasn't discouraged with being 29 and single with a new cat...embrace the crazy cat lady!

My office phone rang and the number looked so familiar but I couldn't place it. I didn't answer and sent it to VM. At the time I was knee deep in trying to repair my office computer... I didn't have time and if they needed me they would leave a voice mail. No voice mail...okay not important.

My cell phone went off...I had a new message...when I looked down I saw his name. It was staring me right in the face. That name I had tried to forget. That name I hadn't laid eyes on in months upon months. There he was contacting me. He had some stuff I had left at his house and he was in town. 

How convenient.

We ended things pretty terribly. There were things said on both sides that I'm sure both of us wish we could have taken back no matter how upset we were at the time. I had moved on (or I would like to think I had moved on) and he was dating someone new. So why after months do you want to give me back my stuff...in person...?

Against all my better judgement, which lets face it that doesn't exist when it comes to dealing with ex's, I agreed to meet with him to get my stuff back. 

My whole body was shaking and my mind was racing...all those emotions and feelings that I worked so hard to get over came flooding back within a matter of minutes. In fact the moment I saw his name on my phone my mind was a mess. My heart was a mess. I was a mess. 

I agreed to meet with him after work and asked him to meet me at my apartment. He legitimately forgot my address as his memory was terrible after being wounded while serving in the Marines...yes all men forget things but this man took the cake when it came to forgetting things...but at least he had a good excuse I guess. So I texted him my address. 

There I was waiting...pacing the floors...fixing my hair...peeking out the window. 

Where was he?

He called me and said the address I gave him sent him to some park at the Girl Scout office. 

I was so flustered that I gave him my work address with my apartment number...talk about dumb.

After finally meeting up we sat in his truck for what felt like forever. Talking...rehashing...him saying I'm sorry...me NOT saying I'm sorry...both of us crying.

What in the world have I gotten myself into?

I finally looked at him and said "I need you to look me in the eyes and tell me we will never be together again. I need to hear that so we can end this finally"

"I can't do that." He said. 

You're dating someone new but you can't tell me that we will never be together again? You say that you didn't come here to start things again or try to make this work but you won't tell me that this will never happen between us? 

Is this a test God? I finally feel like I'm on the right track with you. I finally feel like I'm okay with being single and serving you while I wait. I'm finally really happy. 

This has to be a test.

I'm not ready for this test...I thought I was ready but now I don't know. 

Where does it go from here? 

This is a HUGE test and Lord I'm going to need your help. 

Nothing Left to Hide

It has taken a long time to get here.

To get to a place where I am satisfied in the Lord's love for me...

To embrace my mistakes and use them to encourage others, give advice, and live the life God has prepared me to live.

We all know those people who have lived the "perfect life". Those people who seem to have it all together, know what to do all the time, never make mistakes, and have every opportunity placed in front of them. We look at those Christians and think I wish I was like them...I wish I could follow Jesus like that...my life is such a mess...how could God possibly use me when He has someone like that?

It's in thoughts and moments like those that Satan creeps in and destroys, piece by piece, the beauty that God has destined us for and he robs us of the grace that was shown to us when Jesus died.

You see, we aren't meant to compare ourselves to other Christians. We are meant to compare ourselves to Christ and want to be more Christ like...not more like Ashley who seems to always have time to pray and read her Bible...not more like Michael who is always volunteering to lead worship and communion.

Don't get me wrong... making time for prayer and reading your Bible are important to your relationship with the Lord...and volunteering to lead and be involved in the church cultivates a fellowship within the church community that is much needed. It's when we start to compare ourselves and think that if we aren't doing it as much as your neighbor that you are a failure as a Christian.

No Christian is perfect.

The fact is that most of us Christians have struggled and fought a long fight to get to where we are today. Most of us have waded through the mess of life and the decisions we have made. Most of us have even failed miserably, time upon time, at being someone that pleases the Lord. If we were honest with each other in the church community, we would realize that most of us have stories and lives that we could use for God's benefit even when Satan tell us that's not possible.

Trust me, it wasn't over night that I came to this conclusion. It wasn't an AHA moment that I had where I realized that everything I had done wrong, all the times I disappointed my parents, put my future in jeopardy, and was scraping the bottom of the barrel...I could turn those things around and use for God's glory. In fact on a daily basis I am amazed at how much grace God has shown me over the last 5 years.

It was about 5 years ago that I felt like my world was crashing down. The decisions I chose to make were finally catching up to me and there wasn't anything I could do to stop it from happening.

I had been dating a man for about 5 months and I thought he was "the one". Don't ask me why I thought he was "the one" because I honestly couldn't tell you to this day. The only explanation I have now is that I was lonely, I didn't trust God fully, and I thought I was old enough to settle down. Plain and simple...and plain dumb! Because I thought he was "the one" I saw nothing wrong with having sex with him on a regular basis. That's what a serious relationship is anyway right? We had talked about getting married so I mean there's no harm in having sex if we were going to get married at some point anyway.

In July of 2010 I found out that I was pregnant. I was in denial...this wasn't happening...I wasn't married...I had a semi-minimum wage retail job that I hated...I was leaving in 2 weeks to go on a mission trip...I couldn't be pregnant. Let's be real folks...I had heartburn radiating every inch of my body, I couldn't keep anything down but water, I was the grouchiest person you ever met in your life, and I was late.

I was pregnant.

Now what....

I sat in the bathroom by myself while he waited outside...3 pregnancy tests staring back at me all saying positive and all I wanted to do was sink into the corner of the bathroom and never come out...at least for the next 9 months. I eventually came out of the bathroom and he knew...he could see the fear on my face. My parents didn't like him...my friends weren't huge fans of him...he was black...and now we were pregnant.

I decided to go to the doctor just to be sure...you know as if 3 pregnancy tests weren't enough. I went to the doctor and then drove straight to work with my cell phone stuck to my side all evening waiting for that phone call from the doctor. I was standing in line at a coffee joint on my break when my cell phone rang. The nurse informed me that I was definitely pregnant and that I needed to start scheduling appointments. I hung up.

I sat there drinking my coffee...staring out into space...my mind was racing. The first thing I did was text my best friend. At first she thought I was joking but when she realized I wasn't she said okay...well it will be okay...you can go away for a while and give it to (a couple at church who was wanting to adopt a baby at that time) and then everything will be okay. I laughed and said yeah...yeah...that's it...adoption.

I'm going to be honest. From the moment I found I was pregnant I wanted it to be over. Adoption never came to my mind...having it never came to my mind...I wanted to act like it never happened...go to a clinic...let's not talk about it...IT NEVER HAPPENED!

I was always that person who hated the idea of abortion. I looked down on everyone who even had a thought about abortion...who ever had an abortion... anyone who worked at an abortion clinic or supported abortions...they were awful people and that will NEVER be me!

There I was...sitting in a clinic...filling out the paperwork...awkwardly staring at the other women in the room. We were all there for the same reason but no one looked directly at anyone else. No one wanted to acknowledge why we were really there.

"Candice Yates" the nurse said. That's me...

I walked back to the room and sat down in a chair. I gave her the cash and she traded it with two pain pills in a white cup. "Take these" she said "it helps dull the pain."

I put the gown on, laid down on the table/chair, and waited for the doctor to come. I had no idea what I was doing.

I came alone...I decided alone...I was alone. I was alone in a cold, blank room with no direction or idea of what I was doing.

It was the most painful thing I have ever been through in my entire life. After it was all over I had to drive the hour back home. I'm not even sure how I made it back home because my mind was so blank. I just kept staring off into space not being able to comprehend what just happened.

I got home, put on my uniform, and went to work like it never happened.

But it did happen.

The next week I packed up my things and went on the mission trip to the Dominican Republic as planned. My body was still going through the shock of what just happened but I didn't care and I didn't let it stop me. I pushed through the pain and tried to out do everyone while we did manual labor every day. I was surrounded by people who I knew and loved and they had no idea what I was thinking about for 7 hours a day while shoveling cement.

When I got back from the trip things went downhill for my relationship. We broke up and there I was again. Alone.

I hid it from everyone. I hid it from my best friend. I hid it from my parents. I hid it from my coworkers. I hid it from everyone around me. My emotions were taking a huge hit while I kept this bottled up inside but I still thought I could handle it alone. I turned away from God because I thought there was no way he was still on my side.

It has taken a few years to deal with the damage my choices have caused. It took me a long time to realize that God still loved me and wanted to use me despite everything. God's grace is so far beyond my comprehension that even someone like me...someone who chose to have an abortion could bring glory to God.

Satan's lies almost got the best of me 5 years ago and I almost gave up.

But God had a different plan for me and my story. He chose me to minister to people who think they cannot be saved. He chose me to reach out to those who feel that there is no turning back. He chose me to be an example of someone that can be brought back to God.

He has brought me to a place where I rest in His Love, His Mercy, and His Grace.

"for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus. God presented Christ as a sacrifice of atonement, through the shedding of his blood—to be received by faith. He did this to demonstrate his righteousness, because in his forbearance he had left the sins committed beforehand unpunished— he did it to demonstrate his righteousness at the present time, so as to be just and the one who justifies those who have faith in Jesus"

Romans 3:23-26