Is This A Test?

It has to be a test.

Here I am striding along...I'm busy all the time...I'm loving my job...I love my social life and especially working with the youth at church...I'm on track with God (or so I think)...I'm dancing in my room while I get ready every day...I'm laughing and enjoying life and BAM!

He's back.

That ex you never thought you'd see again..or talk to again..or thought of ever.

He comes waltzing in and turns your world upside down with one little message.

You know how it goes. You've found freedom in your singleness and you're strengthening your relationship with God more every day. You're not at home sulking on the couch but you're out doing something and making the moments count. And if you're like me you've gotten to a point where you are alright being single and actually loving the freedom you have to choose to do anything you want to do and you always have the time you want to give back and spend with those who matter. 

For the past few months the Lord has really brought me back to him and his plan that he has for me. I was taking advantage of all the grace he had given me and the second chances to be the person I was meant to be. I was being encouraged by those around me and I was encouraging others in return. 

Yeah of course I thought about me being single and how it would be nice to find someone but it was no longer a core focus of mine. It wasn't weighing me down and I wasn't discouraged with being 29 and single with a new cat...embrace the crazy cat lady!

My office phone rang and the number looked so familiar but I couldn't place it. I didn't answer and sent it to VM. At the time I was knee deep in trying to repair my office computer... I didn't have time and if they needed me they would leave a voice mail. No voice mail...okay not important.

My cell phone went off...I had a new message...when I looked down I saw his name. It was staring me right in the face. That name I had tried to forget. That name I hadn't laid eyes on in months upon months. There he was contacting me. He had some stuff I had left at his house and he was in town. 

How convenient.

We ended things pretty terribly. There were things said on both sides that I'm sure both of us wish we could have taken back no matter how upset we were at the time. I had moved on (or I would like to think I had moved on) and he was dating someone new. So why after months do you want to give me back my stuff...in person...?

Against all my better judgement, which lets face it that doesn't exist when it comes to dealing with ex's, I agreed to meet with him to get my stuff back. 

My whole body was shaking and my mind was racing...all those emotions and feelings that I worked so hard to get over came flooding back within a matter of minutes. In fact the moment I saw his name on my phone my mind was a mess. My heart was a mess. I was a mess. 

I agreed to meet with him after work and asked him to meet me at my apartment. He legitimately forgot my address as his memory was terrible after being wounded while serving in the Marines...yes all men forget things but this man took the cake when it came to forgetting things...but at least he had a good excuse I guess. So I texted him my address. 

There I was waiting...pacing the floors...fixing my hair...peeking out the window. 

Where was he?

He called me and said the address I gave him sent him to some park at the Girl Scout office. 

I was so flustered that I gave him my work address with my apartment number...talk about dumb.

After finally meeting up we sat in his truck for what felt like forever. Talking...rehashing...him saying I'm sorry...me NOT saying I'm sorry...both of us crying.

What in the world have I gotten myself into?

I finally looked at him and said "I need you to look me in the eyes and tell me we will never be together again. I need to hear that so we can end this finally"

"I can't do that." He said. 

You're dating someone new but you can't tell me that we will never be together again? You say that you didn't come here to start things again or try to make this work but you won't tell me that this will never happen between us? 

Is this a test God? I finally feel like I'm on the right track with you. I finally feel like I'm okay with being single and serving you while I wait. I'm finally really happy. 

This has to be a test.

I'm not ready for this test...I thought I was ready but now I don't know. 

Where does it go from here? 

This is a HUGE test and Lord I'm going to need your help.