All I Can Do Is Pray

When I asked God a few years ago to give me a heart for his people I never knew that that meant I would feel the ache of those hurting...that I would be burdened with a heart of compassion for those in turmoil...that I would feel the deep burning to be where they are when I know I cannot.

Every picture I see of Nepal hits me hard.
Every status I read about my friends hurting crushes my heart.
Every prayer I feel the need to pray brings me to my knees.

Why?

Natural disasters happen quite often and while I do feel sadness for those impacted this is different. When you have spent some of your most memorable moments next to someone, seeing them hurting has more of an impact than just seeing the news scroll across your TV. It's so easy to see the death toll plastered on news articles, say how sad, and then push it out of your mind. When it is happening to people that you have served with, lived with, eaten meals with, hugged goodbye...it changes everything. 

I logged on to Facebook and saw the updates coming from friends in the middle of the epicenter. 

Facebook Status Update from our contact on The World Race, Reuben Rai April 27th 9:45 PM Kathmandu, Nepal Time:

500 Christians are fear dead, 200 alone in Dhadhing near Quake center, 100 in Kathmandu, and 200 in rest areas. Total dead bodies collected exceeded 4000. More then 50,000 in intensive care unit. Thousands awaiting rescue and help. Hundreds still missing in Everest avalanche. No water in shop, no food and vegetables since market is not open. Because of fear of more quake, people still are in open field in cold and rain with their little new born babies, difficult for children and elderly. People are starting to have flue, fever and cold. We will start to help others from tomorrow. Its Monday 9:37 PM. Just hitted by Quake again at 9:37 pm

Photo courtesy of Omar Havana- Getty Images

Everything in me wants to pack a bag right now and get on a flight to be there on the ground. Having my hands physically aiding those in need...hugging those who I know and are hurting...

I feel so useless sitting here in my comfy home with all the water I need...with shelter...

All I can do is pray...

Why God did you give me a heart for them if I cannot do anything but pray?

As soon as I let those words come out I felt so stupid...

As if prayer does nothing...

God has let me have many opportunities to be the hands and feet on the ground during moments in people's lives that they felt so helpless but this was not a time I could do that. This was a time I needed to learn the power of prayer.

That's when I saw this status update from Reuben.

Facebook Status Update from our contact on The World Race, Reuben Rai April 26th 10:45 PM Kathmandu, Nepal Time:

Latest. I ask one womn y u all r here in church you r not even a xian n she said bcause there is safty hre. Your God protcts

They are in the midst of this disaster and he is seeking out moments where God reveals himself. He is choosing to see God is still his protector and those around him that are not even Christians are seeking out God. 

How could I think that God will not work through the prayers of us here in the U.S.? When we say to someone 'I will pray for you', what does that mean? Do we really pray? Do we think it is going to do anything other than comfort in that moment? 

When someone says that they will pray for you it should bring a wave of comfort...you should trust it...you should have faith. 

All that I can do is the best thing I can do right now and that is pray for Nepal, pray for Reuben, pray for his family, and pray for our other friends. Pray to the God who created this world and pray to the God who is most merciful. 

As you go through your day please pray fiercely and with purpose for those in Nepal, for He will hear our prayers. 

This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. And if we know that he hears us - whatever we ask- we know that we have what we asked of him.

1 John 5:14-15

Loving Yourself

The moment I ran the velvet lipstick over my bottom lip I felt more confident. The red color soaked up my plain lips and with a name like Cruella, who wouldn't feel invincible!

I go through phases of loving my body and phases of feeling confident in the way I am today. Phases where anything I put on that day feels like it fits like a glove and I walk out of the house with a sass in my step. Then there are the days where I go through 12 of the same exact t shirt/pair of pants and I feel like nothing looks good on me at all.

We all have those days... and sometimes it feels those "nothing fits right" days out number our sassy/unstoppable days.

I have been trying for a few months to drop some weight and I was feeling like nothing I did could make me see a change. I cut down my soda intake, my fast food intake, added some small exercise routines, worked on my sleeping habits...nothing was working! I found myself comparing my efforts to those around me who were pinning those workout suggestions on Pinterest or posting pictures of themselves at the finish line of a 5K or those awkward gym selfies that (let's be honest) no one really cares if you're workout went great or not.

I don't really pin workouts on Pinterest because well... I probably won't do them. I definitely don't sign up for any 5K's because the only places I'm usually running to are the bathroom or to the car if it is pouring the rain. I might be guilty of one or two gym selfies when I actually use to be a regular gym goer but now my selfies include hugging my cat Carl while he struggles for air and freedom.

I will admit that over the past few years I have obsessed a lot less about being a bit overweight. I'm not sure if its because the older I get I am focused on more important things, I just don't care, or I've become more open to accepting that I will never be a size 6 woman.

The older I get I do realize that older men look for more of a personality and someone to enjoy their time with rather than a size 6 to show off to their buddies. No... I'm not saying that I long to be thinner so that I can gain the attention of a man... that is only a tiny piece of this struggle. More often than not I find myself telling a man that if he doesn't like how I look then he can hit the road. It is mostly women that I find myself seeking the attention/approval of when it comes to looks. It seems to be that women are more critical of other women than men ever were or tend to be these days. If we know how it feels to be judged on our appearance then why do we do it to each other?

It is a difficult thing to work on comparing yourself to others and judging others as well. Some times we catch ourselves casting judgement on people even without meaning to do so. "I can't believe she thinks that shirt looks okay on her." or "Did she even look in the mirror before she left the house this morning?" I will be the first to admit I have done it and still do it just in every day conversation without thinking twice about how I feel when that happens to me.

It moments like that when I realize I quite possibly need to spend more time grounding myself in the Lord. Yes, I realize this sounds silly and trivial and a moment where you are thinking.. yeah yeah... the answer is always Jesus...get closer to God but really people...it is the answer!
The more I pour myself into the word and the more I spend focusing on Christ the less I see myself acting like someone I would be ashamed of or doing things I don't approve of when its on the flip side. No there isn't a specific verse that says " and Jesus said... do not make fun of the girl in the ugly shirt or do not make jokes because another girl did something weird with her hair."
But the Bible does call us to be Christ like... and being Christ like covers a multitude of attitudes, issues, and priorities. The more you become more Christ like you will learn to love yourself in return.

Over the past few months I have been working on walking the straight and narrow, as they say. Spending my time focusing on my relationship with the Lord and although I am no where near where I need to be... I am not where I once was.

I find myself leaving the house more confident whether it is in those paint stained workout pants and a Goodwill t-shirt or that cute dress and red lipstick... I'm walking out of the house confident in the Lord's plans for me and that whatever happens today or how I look...I can make it a rough day and complain about my muffin top that I don't necessarily work on improving or I can make it a good day and only let words of encouragement about myself and others come across those velvet red lips.

For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.

Ephesians 2:10

Who Am I?

We recently took a personality test at our organization for an upcoming training that we will be going through for the next several months.

The definition of a DiSC test which is taken directly from the DiSC profile website: DiSC is a personal assessment tool used to improve work productivity, teamwork and communication. DiSC is non-judgmental and helps people discuss their behavioral differences.

Non-judgmental... hmmm...what an interesting choice of words.

To no surprise I was was ranked a HIGH D which in one word represents dominance. As I began reading the assessment I thought, wow how spot on this test seems to be! It says I'm competitive, can support of oppose strongly (in other words opinionated), determined, independent, venturesome, and decisive. Those were the main things that stuck out to me as I was reading the profile. They seemed like great descriptions of what I would consider myself and how I would hope others would consider me but then I saw it...the portion of the assessment that explained how others may perceive me.

I see myself as assertive, confident, and competitive.

Others moderate perception of me is that I am demanding, egotistical, aggressive and nervy.

Hmmm...well that's interesting...but hey I can take it...

But then we had other's extreme perception of me which is that I am abrasive, controlling, opinionated, and arbitrary. Well then!

I'd be lying if I hadn't heard some of those adjectives describe me before. In fact I won most opinionated for my Senior Superlative in high school. Controlling...yeah I might be the back seat driver or the person who just does things myself because I know I'll do it right the first time. Abrasive? Okay... I might have told a few people what I really think about them in no uncertain terms or feeling the need to soften the blow.

When going down this list it can be really easy for me to see the negatives of my assessment. It can be really easy to focus on how others may see me in certain situations and quite frankly how I simply come across in the reality of a situation. It can be hard to remember those positive descriptions in the beginning.

During youth group last night our youth director Greg was talking to the kids about the apostle Peter and how the Lord decided to change his name. Peter was a impulsive thinker who jumped on opportunities without thinking and most of the time they weren't the best decisions one could have made. But God chose to make him the rock on which His church was built. He changed his name to Peter to represent how Jesus saw him and for his abilities and what the Lord had destined Peter to be in the future. He didn't rename him a name that represented his faults or bad personality traits but rather named him something that would destine him to proclaim the glory of God.

As Greg stated last night, if we were asked what our names would be changed to based on our characteristics, most people jump to some negative qualities that overshadow some of our strengths. But God wouldn't rename us something that he hasn't created us to be. He sees us for the potential that we have and for those characteristics that he has given us to use to further the Kingdom.

I am determined...determined to follow Christ and show others His great love.
I am venturesome...I will accept opportunities to travel to the ends of the earth to share the Gospel.
I am decisive...I have decided to follow Jesus and live a life worthy of His calling.
I am independent...I am comfortable with fulfilling my purpose for God with or without a husband.
I am confident...I am confident that my faithfulness to the Lord will bring everlasting life.

Before going down your list of personality traits remember to ask God to show you how He sees you and how you can use those characteristics to bring glory to Him.

Is This A Test?

It has to be a test.

Here I am striding along...I'm busy all the time...I'm loving my job...I love my social life and especially working with the youth at church...I'm on track with God (or so I think)...I'm dancing in my room while I get ready every day...I'm laughing and enjoying life and BAM!

He's back.

That ex you never thought you'd see again..or talk to again..or thought of ever.

He comes waltzing in and turns your world upside down with one little message.

You know how it goes. You've found freedom in your singleness and you're strengthening your relationship with God more every day. You're not at home sulking on the couch but you're out doing something and making the moments count. And if you're like me you've gotten to a point where you are alright being single and actually loving the freedom you have to choose to do anything you want to do and you always have the time you want to give back and spend with those who matter. 

For the past few months the Lord has really brought me back to him and his plan that he has for me. I was taking advantage of all the grace he had given me and the second chances to be the person I was meant to be. I was being encouraged by those around me and I was encouraging others in return. 

Yeah of course I thought about me being single and how it would be nice to find someone but it was no longer a core focus of mine. It wasn't weighing me down and I wasn't discouraged with being 29 and single with a new cat...embrace the crazy cat lady!

My office phone rang and the number looked so familiar but I couldn't place it. I didn't answer and sent it to VM. At the time I was knee deep in trying to repair my office computer... I didn't have time and if they needed me they would leave a voice mail. No voice mail...okay not important.

My cell phone went off...I had a new message...when I looked down I saw his name. It was staring me right in the face. That name I had tried to forget. That name I hadn't laid eyes on in months upon months. There he was contacting me. He had some stuff I had left at his house and he was in town. 

How convenient.

We ended things pretty terribly. There were things said on both sides that I'm sure both of us wish we could have taken back no matter how upset we were at the time. I had moved on (or I would like to think I had moved on) and he was dating someone new. So why after months do you want to give me back my stuff...in person...?

Against all my better judgement, which lets face it that doesn't exist when it comes to dealing with ex's, I agreed to meet with him to get my stuff back. 

My whole body was shaking and my mind was racing...all those emotions and feelings that I worked so hard to get over came flooding back within a matter of minutes. In fact the moment I saw his name on my phone my mind was a mess. My heart was a mess. I was a mess. 

I agreed to meet with him after work and asked him to meet me at my apartment. He legitimately forgot my address as his memory was terrible after being wounded while serving in the Marines...yes all men forget things but this man took the cake when it came to forgetting things...but at least he had a good excuse I guess. So I texted him my address. 

There I was waiting...pacing the floors...fixing my hair...peeking out the window. 

Where was he?

He called me and said the address I gave him sent him to some park at the Girl Scout office. 

I was so flustered that I gave him my work address with my apartment number...talk about dumb.

After finally meeting up we sat in his truck for what felt like forever. Talking...rehashing...him saying I'm sorry...me NOT saying I'm sorry...both of us crying.

What in the world have I gotten myself into?

I finally looked at him and said "I need you to look me in the eyes and tell me we will never be together again. I need to hear that so we can end this finally"

"I can't do that." He said. 

You're dating someone new but you can't tell me that we will never be together again? You say that you didn't come here to start things again or try to make this work but you won't tell me that this will never happen between us? 

Is this a test God? I finally feel like I'm on the right track with you. I finally feel like I'm okay with being single and serving you while I wait. I'm finally really happy. 

This has to be a test.

I'm not ready for this test...I thought I was ready but now I don't know. 

Where does it go from here? 

This is a HUGE test and Lord I'm going to need your help.